Thoughts From Turning Thirty (30).

Wow. Thirty years old. Another trip around the sun feels more like a spaceship ride into an entirely new universe. I celebrated for four days straight (which kinda turned into two weeks straight, lol), simultaneously basking in love and wallowing in grief. Crazy to think about the two co-existing, especially during such a milestone moment in life. But apart of growing the f*ck up is embracing duality. You have to hold yourself accountable not to fall too far on certain ends of the spectrum. Understand that you can be genuinely happy, and still wish your circumstances were different. Accepting the duality of emotions and in life situations is a cheat code. It’s how you put yourself ahead of others, but most importantly it’s how you excel on your journey to finding peace.

One of the best moments of my entire birthday weekend was being surrounded by so much love. I am blessed enough to have had people travel from different places to celebrate me. The amount of literal and figurative flowers and gifts that I received filled my heart with so much joy as a reminder that there are people that love me enough to go the extra mile. As someone who is known for going the extra mile for people, that means the world to me. The journey to 30 over these last couple of months has been filled with so much reflection, and one of the main things I’ve realized is that reciprocity is rare. Even the people that actually care about you will struggle to reciprocate the love you give them and the way you show up for them. The craziest part of it all is that you have to understand it literally has nothing to do with you. The choices people make and the capacity they have to show up for you (or lack thereof) are more of a reflection of where they are in their own journey than anything else. It’s a tough pill to swallow knowing that you can be there for someone when they call and even when they don’t, and they can not show up for you in your brightest and darkest hours. So what do we do with that? Do we say fuck them? Do we pretend they don’t really care about us? Maybe. Almost all of my friends are good for leaving people right where they had them fucked up at. And everyday I aspire to be more like them. It’s not that I allow people to play with me - because we don’t even play them kind of games - but I do find myself checking behavior, and then letting my understanding of said behavior isn’t personal to me allow me to still share space with someone. In some cases this makes sense and is okay, because what’s love without forgiveness? But in others you have to know to make that space permanent. I can transparently say I’m still working through figuring out when to do what, but one thing I do know is that you never quite figure anything all the way out - at least not life. Thirty is already showing me that if you want to be happy, if you want to succeed, you have to let go.

In a season of letting go, I struggle with always remaining positive about it. I have my good days where I remind myself that you have to let go in order to make room for something better, and I use that to give myself something to look forward to. But then I have days where the reality of not knowing what’s coming or when it will arrive makes me more anxious than I’m comfortable with. What grounds me and brings me back to not sweating what I can’t control is my faith. Faith in God is literally what keeps me alive. It is what keeps me going. Friendship is what makes the journey of pushing through and remaining faithful a lot easier though. My friends are literally what made my birthday probably the most special birthday I’ve ever experienced and they are what gets me through the daily turmoil of my journey. Someone treated me wrong, I’m hitting my girls, lol. I just need to get out of the house, or I just want to hear a comforting voice? I’m calling my friends. I’m eternally in debt to God for how well he blessed me with solid people around me. My mother used to always tell me, “if you get one real friend in this life, you are blessed.” I need to go ask her “what’s it called when you have more than 5?” I’m in awe thinking about how I have to use more than one hand to count my village of friends. And I’m not talking about associates, I mean real friends - people that honor my name, hold my secrets, tell me the things I need to hear, not what I want to hear. Women and men that only want from me what I want from them - to witness the best version of ourselves. To grow and flourish. I have friends that are moms (aka super-heroes), friends that own businesses, friends that have been through situations that most people would’ve called it quits on life for, but they still show up gracefully in my life and the lives of so many others. When I think about my blessings, I definitely count my friends three times! It’s because of them I have advanced on my journey to peace and happiness. It’s because of them I’m able to remember the bad ass bitch that I am when someone in this insane world tries to make me feel less than. It’s because of them I am inspired to be a better woman, every day. 

So in thinking about how to keep pushing in this crazy world and how to make space for the positive despite the negative looming, I think about the benefit of doing the hard work now. The hard work is choosing not to wallow in my grief but still acknowledge that it exists. The easy thing to do is pretend it’s not there. Keep myself so distracted that any stress I feel I can write off as effects from work or maybe I can’t (consciously) put my finger on the cause at all. Drink it away, party it away, work it away, the usual things we do to convince ourselves that we’re fine and nothing’s wrong. But the funny thing about the easy route is it’s only easy right now. In the end, it complicates every fucking thing if I’m being honest. You end up surviving through life instead of living through it. And if turning thirty has taught me nothing else, it’s taught me that I absolutely want to LIVE my best life. A life where even through the ups and downs I remain intentional about my happiness and literally feel the highs of my blessings. When I think about what my most prominent thought from turning thirty is, it’s to choose you. Not the comfortable you, not the current you - but the you you want to be. The you that God and the universe intend for you to be. Choose your highest, most healed you even though she/he/they doesn’t exist yet. That single choice will align you with endless possibilities that are meant for you and you only. And it will propel you to heights you’ve only dreamed of. This blog and sharing some of my most intimate thoughts is an example of me doing that, and I pray that you’ll stay on this journey with me. After all, hard work is never any fun alone. ❤️

Being able to share organic thoughts in safe spaces is sacred to me. Check out my thoughts on the work it takes to chase your dreams! Subscribe to my channel on YouTube - there’s more where this came from. Xoxo

Thoughts From Changing Careers and Choosing Self.

“My whole titty is about to be on the internet.” This thought ran through my mind for months as I carefully curated the most intimate photoshoot I’ve done for myself, to (re)introduce my brand to the world. I remember the first time I saw one of the inspiration pictures for the shoot - the very pic I’m referencing when the anxiety about my “titty” on the internet flares. I was on the floor of Soldier Field in Chicago, standing in front of my seat in the designated Alien Superstar VIP section of the Renaissance World Tour. And there she was on the gigantic screen behind the stage, Beyoncé Knowles-Carter laying down in a short black fur, her blonde hair big and sexy, skin radiating through the screen and beautifully standing out against the photo’s glitched background of darkness with peeks of greenery on a blue sky and white clouds. There were other details about the visual that I noticed, but what stood out most was Beyonce’s demeanor. It was fierce, it was fiery, it gave SEX but not in a way that turns you on - instead in a way that inspires you. In a way that sets you free. And that was what captivated me, the expression of freedom. After a tumultuous time in life, I yearned for that same freedom - particularly in my career. 

Being born and raised on the Southside of Chicago, and brought up by two entrepreneurs puts a certain level of grit in you. It teaches you hustle, and reminds you that there’s multiple routes to the same destination. It also shows you very clearly nothing in this life comes easy, but the things you work to earn will reap unimaginable rewards. In hindsight, coming from this background probably had everything to do with me being 24 and deciding “I’m starting my own production company.” Maybe only a few years into the TV industry at the time, but consistently building experience in event production and creative project management, I figured why not? I started off in television production as a PA for a show on VH1, and it’s no secret PA’s get worked like dogs. No matter how much grit I have, I am not here to work like anyone’s dog baby - I was literally just a girl, lol. I was, however, fortunate enough to work with amazing crews, blessed to be under the direction of a Black woman Production Manager. The same Black woman that would later pass the torch to me and bring me up to my first Production Manager role for Turner Classic Movies. And by time this torch was passed, the checks were not cut to me but instead to my production company - Morally Cinful Productions. 

That first check to my company lit another fire in me to keep going, and get myself to a place where I didn’t have to continue freelancing in an industry where you’re overworked and mistreated but instead build a portfolio of clients that were working on things I actually cared about. Projects that allowed me to live out my company’s motto of “production with a purpose.” Projects that gave way to me collaborating with Black creatives building media brands, speaking their truths on podcasts, curating safe spaces for minorities in fashion, among other creative endeavors that will always be dear to my heart. I could list accolades and professional titles like Director of Operations for a 4x NYT Best-Selling author to explain the magnitude of work I’ve done so far, but it’s not those accolades that motivate me to new heights. What actually motivates me is knowing that just like the creatives and CEOs I’ve spent nearly a decade working with, I have some shit to say. What motivates me is the little girl that won regional oratory contests, and hosted her elementary school’s talent show every year from 5th to 8th grade. The little girl that had acting roles in school and local plays. The little girl that I was then was always complimented and praised for how well she spoke. She was encouraged to continue speaking, continue leading and continue learning. And I’d be lying if I said she ever stopped leading or learning, but there came a time where the speaking stopped. Not literally, but there were no more oratory contests, no more speeches or writing articles for the newspaper, no acting roles, no poems for years until sophomore year of college - and even then it lasted maybe only a semester or two. 

I’d spent all of my high school years with a clouded spirit, just living in survival mode. While some of that cloudiness lingered all throughout college, my freshman year experience of witnessing my mentor push through her own woes and plan Mizzou’s rendition of Black Girls Rock! - “Black Women Rock!” - opened my eyes to new passions. At that point my purpose felt like it shifted. It became about honoring others and crafting spaces to make their voices heard. It was all gas no brakes on founding an RSO on campus after I transferred to U of I, and coordinating the largest awards ceremony specifically geared towards honoring Black women on campus and in the community that Champaign-Urbana had seen. A ceremony that I, along with the efforts of amazing students and gracious donors, would successfully execute for 3 years straight before graduating and leaving the honor to my successor. 

This lane of producing events and telling other peoples’ stories continued post grad, hence the aforementioned media production and creative business operations work. But it came to a point where things in my life rapidly shifted all at once. Everything I thought God had written in stone for me was being replaced by circumstances I would’ve lost my last dollar confidently betting against. And with life changes came a change in my personal desires. It also came with a lot of reflecting. What is God trying to say to me by taking everything away? After sitting with that question for a couple of months, like magic in the middle of the night my thoughts became clearer. God had not put me on certain paths to redirect my purpose, he had quickly put me in the mix of intense environments to remind me of my purpose. To reveal to me that the little girl with a knack for speaking and displaying her captivating personality is ready to resurface, but now as the woman who is skilled, poised, and unafraid of the tough conversations. Ready to be the woman that will talk her shit, but always gracefully and with meaning. Ready to articulate her own thoughts and passions in her work - because after all, artists are sensitive about their shit. So if I’m to deal with anyone’s high emotions around their craft, why not let them be my own?

So as I write this and prepare to “put my titty” on the internet - I do it with an indescribable feeling of gratitude and faith that I know only comes from God. The depths of vulnerability I had to reach to not only face my fear of “how will this be perceived?” but also “will my months of hard work translate well?” were new territory for me. But the good thing about chartering new territory is the endless possibilities and new beginnings that come with it. Haters will say “who she think she is, Beyoncé?!” and my response will simply be, “So what if I do?” If they weren’t hating, I’d respond - “No, not a chance - I’m not there yet, lol.” But we all know a supporter wouldn’t even think some shit like that. If you take nothing else away from this, just be inspired to be you. Read this blog, look at the photos from my shoot, get in tune with me to stay abreast of my upcoming talk series, and just be inspired to chase your dreams. Don’t let fear, imposter syndrome, or a hating hoe stop you. 

My days in the production field are not ending, they are simply shifting. Where I was once behind the camera, I am now proudly in front of it. Still being creative, still thinking about all of the production details (I can’t help it), but in front of the camera displaying my thoughts, my passions, and all that I can speak on to aid in improving our shared life experiences. Loudly. Happily. Purposefully. And in many forms. Through pictures, through conversations, through random, everyday content. Creative and Executive will forever be a part of my title - but I now proudly add Speaker to that list. And I thank God for everything that’s on its way to me.